4:38 p.m.

That's the time I was off deadline today - 4:38 p.m. - having written both pieces due for this Friday's paper. Wow.

When I took over this psycho beat they call real estate in January, I could barely turn in all my stories by 5 p.m. Wednesday some weeks.
I have come a long way, in part thanks to my boss, but mostly thanks to me.

I am not one to boost myself, rather I spend most of my time knocking my self-esteem to the ground, whether it be personal or professional. But that is changing.
With the real estate beat assignment came counseling, first every two weeks, then as of June weekly. The progress has not been easy to make as it involves facing all your shortcomings and mistakes.

It is obviously paying off personally, as evidenced by my improved professional habits. (many people can separate these two. I can sometimes, but mostly they are intertwined, often to a frustrating point.)

Facing these shortcomings, etc. is quite sobering, especially where finances are concerned.

I have done it and will continue to. I am settling my debts one by one, albeit slowly. They are no longer something I will blame on my family situation at the time, poor judgement or any number of factors. They are my responsibility and I can handle them. And I want to.
It is curiously satisfying in a way I have never known.

I'm still prone to bouts of stress that find me struggling to balance my checking account, but each time it happens I am noting what led to it, how I handled it and what I can do differently. And then I'm acting on it.

Taking action has always been difficult for me in the financial realm, as I'm a creative, emotional and spiritual person rather than numbers-oriented.
That's not a bad thing, but in the past I have used it to excuse poor financial habits. These habits - mainly stemming from stressful situations, be they personal or professional - are beginning to loosen.

It excites me now to think about paying something off, rather than overwhelming me to the point that I want to give up. I've never been one to cry a lot when it comes to this kind of stress. Instead, I eat or have a beer.
That, too, is on the outs. Thankfully.

As much as I wish I had been able to do this in my 20s, I understand I could not face it. My 30s were the beginning of the transition, with the obvious payoff coming in my early 40s.

I am now thinking more and more about what I will do in the next 50 years, especially the next 30 to 40. I will travel, spend time with friends and family, and even start my own family. These are exciting dreams I never thought linked to my financial problems, though obviously money fuels daily life and certinaly travel.

Alas, I digress a bit.
To refocus, I no longer rebell against sticking to my budget. I am make everything stretch and am building a savings that will give me the piece of mind I've lacked for many years.

I don't plan to abandon my idealist nature - I couldn't. It's who I am and why I'm a damn good liberal at heart.

But I know now I can step away from the habits I grew up with, or lack of habits, and onto the life I'm making for myself. I've always had that choice, I've just been afraid to do it. It's liberating and exciting.

And it's mine.